


i'm so reliant, i'm so dependent, i'm such a fool

by kittenkink



Series: discoveries [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Heartbreak, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Slurs, hell yeah, idk what its called when they grow up together and theyre really close, its also really short, malum are a thing, ok, ok fuck, this is pretty sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 18:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2516822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenkink/pseuds/kittenkink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke is five years old when he is sitting in a sandbox and sand is thrown in his eyes. It is the most painful thing he has experienced in his life, and he cries.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em> or, luke and ashton are best friends growing up together, and luke deals with a lot of pain </em></p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm so reliant, i'm so dependent, i'm such a fool

Luke is five years old when he is sitting in a sandbox and sand is thrown in his eyes. It is the most painful thing he has experienced in his life, and he cries.

"That's not a very nice thing to do," A seven year old Ashton marches over to a crying Luke and scolds the one who threw the sand at Luke. "Say sorry."

"I'm sorry." The boy struggles and runs away not wanting to get into trouble. It is visible where he was sat and the empty hole is now replaced by Ashton. Luke wipes his eyes and blinks out the remaining grains as he has cried out most of it. 

"Thank you." Luke sniffs, his eyes still hurting. 

"It's okay, I'm Ashton." 

"Luke Hemmings." Luke looks up and makes eye contact with the boy who defended him. Ashton returned a weak smile and the two boys talked until it was time for Luke to go home. 

"Goodbye Ashton."

"Bye bye Luke." 

 

 

Luke is eleven years old when is leaving his first ever Assembly on his first day of Year 7. He is nervous, he doesn't make friends very well. His fingers won't stop shaking and he can already feel he is going to be the outcast nobody cares about. Everybody had split off into groups and Luke gripped the straps of his backpack tightly. He doesn't know how, but Luke his shoved and people laugh. He wants to scream. Then without warning, he is shoved down a small flight of stairs with a small amount of force. His head hits the tiled floor, hard, and he lies there, still, as people become silent, freeze, and gasp. 

It is the most painful thing he has experienced in his life, and he cries.

One person rushes over to him and holds his head up. It's thirteen year old Ashton, who looks very concerned. 

"Luke, can you see me?" His vision was blurry but he knew who the voice belonged to, there was no denying it. Luke didn't want to worry him so he just nodded lazily. All Luke wanted to do was sleep but the tears spilling out of his eyes kept him awake. This was Luke's first impression to everybody, fragile. Ashton swore, "Fuck," as Luke's blood was smeared on Ashton's palm. Luke began to close his eyes but Ashton tapped his cheek gently.

"Fucking stay awake." He said through gritted teeth as the school nurse finally rushed over and everyone else was being told to continue going to their lessons, and  **not to shove eachother.**

"Can you tell me your name?" The nurse asked.

"Luke Hemmings." Luke replied. He looked up at Ashton's face, he was okay.

 

 

Luke is fifteen years old when he is sleeping over at Ashton's house. Luke had come out to his parents and they had not been very accepting of him. It is the most painful thing he has experienced in his life, and he cries. Ashton gazed at the fifteen year old boy crying on his bed.

"Luke," A seventeen year old Ashton asks the younger boy, "How did you... know?"

A lump had formed in Luke's throat. How did he know? Because every time Luke made eye contact with him, Luke's heart felt like it was going to shatter his ribcage with the force. Because even just being around him made Luke feel better, not just emotionally, but he made Luke feel better about himself. Because he was all Luke thought about late at night, the only face he sees in his dreams.

"I just did." Luke states before burying his face back into Ashton's pillow. It smells like apple shampoo and it makes Luke tear up a bit more.

"I don't like seeing you cry." Ashton whispered. Luke didn't move, he didn't want to move. 

"Ashton, do you accept me? Nobody else seems to, and I can't have my best friend hate me to, just 'cause I'm gay." Luke starts to sob. There's a hand running through Luke's matted hair, and Luke wishes his hair smelled like apples. 

"Of course I do." Ashton says gently and presses a kiss against Luke's temple. Luke cries even harder.

 

 

Luke is seventeen when nineteen year old Ashton returns home from his first year at University, and Luke has never been more excited. He is waiting on Ashton's lawn with Ashton's family and he can't hide his smile. As a car pulls up and Luke feels like he's having difficulty breathing, he looks down and does the thing with his foot that Ashton always comments on. 

_"You always do that when you're nervous."_

_"Why do you do that,"_

_"It's actually kinda cute."_

Luke looks so stupid smiling to himself and Ashton steps out the car, looking so breathtaking as always, and Luke wants to run up to Ashton and tell him how hard this school year was without somebody protecting him from everyone else. Yeah, he had Michael, but even Michael had a relationship with _Calum._ It's so heartachingly adorable but Luke can't help wishing he had someone who would love him like that, and he just wished people would accept him, the way they accepted Michael and Calum. But no, Luke always got the short end of the stick. Being called a 'faggot' on a daily basis didn't really help. His parents say they are okay with it now, but Luke knows they never will be okay with it. They treat him differently, and it's unfair. 

But now Ashton was here, and Luke was frozen. He wasn't alone. 

"Hi guys! This is Emily, she's my _girlfriend_." Ashton smiled, he was so happy. Luke felt sick as the entire family rushed over to her to greet her. Ashton walks over to Luke and hugs him, 

It is the most painful thing he has experienced in his life, and he cries. He cries because he missed Ashton's embrace, and he cries because Ashton has found someone to love, and he cries because he is pretty sure he is going to be lonely forever.

"Lukey, don't cry. It's only been a year." Ashton reassures, but now Ashton has to look up slightly, because Luke is so goddamn tall now. 

"A lot can happen in a year." Luke mumbles and sniffs, Luke is always crying. 

"Yeah it can, you've fucking grown." 

 

 

Luke is eighteen when Ashton celebrates his twenty first birthday. He knocks on Ashton's front door and Ashton did not answer. His mom opened the door with sad eyes and Luke grew concerned. 

"Please let me see him Mrs. Irwin." Luke pleaded, and she nodded watching him nearly fall as he ran up the stairs. Luke knocked gently on Ashton's door and said,

"Hey Ashton, it's me, Luke, and I'm coming in." He said before opening the door slowly to reveal Ashton lay in bed, tucked up in his duvet and facing the wall. "Ash?" 

And Ashton let out a cry which hit Luke right in the heart. Luke could feel his lip start to tremble and his eyes well up with tears. He didn't like it. He was scared. Then Ashton finally turns around, his eyes red and puffy and all light that was once in his eyes has faded and has been replaced with melancholy. Luke has never seen Ashton like this. It is the most painful thing he has experienced in his life, and he cries.

He can't help it, Luke has just always been an emotional person. He even cried when Ashton's goldfish died. 

"She broke up with me Luke. I don't fucking know what happened. It's my fucking birthday." Ashton said quietly. Luke doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know what to say, but Ashton knows Luke will actually listen. So Luke just stands there, tears rolling down his cheeks. Speechless.

"Luke. Lie with me, please." Ashton cries, and Luke cannot say no. So they lie there, and Luke knows nothing else except to press a kiss to Ashton's temple.

His pillow still fucking smells like apples.

 

 

Luke is nineteen when he is packed up and ready to go to University. He has said goodbye to Michael and Calum, who are still together and are going to the same art college. Luke is outside Ashton's house for a quick stop and then he is off.

"Luke, we have to go," Luke's mother told him. "Say goodbye to Ashton."

_Say goodbye to Ashton._

Luke has to hold it together, for once in his life, he needs to control his tears. But he is frantic and his fist pounds on the door. Ashton's sister opens the door and smiles at Luke, and Luke has to find the strength to smile back, but all he wants to do is say goodbye to Ashton. He walks up he stairs and repeats the words in his mind, the same words he has practiced over and over again to himself. He is ready. 

"Four years ago." Luke breathes out as he opens Ashton's door.

"What?" Ashton looks confused and stands up from his bed, trying to read Luke's expression. 

"Four years ago," Luke began, "You asked me how I knew.

I wanted to tell you about the way my heart thumps against my chest, the way he makes me feel like a better person, the way all I could see was him when I was dreaming. Everything I did came back to him, and he was my priority, he made me smile, he made me cry, he made me scream, but he made me feel safe. I have never felt safer when I am with him. He makes me less insecure, he makes me believe I have a sense of purpose, he gives me a reason to be alive.

He will defend me, even if I'm wrong. He will comfort me when I am not feeling okay. He will make sure I am at my happiest. He doesn't know how much he has hurt me, but it's nothing compared to how much he has made me feel happy. I have never felt happier, and now I am crying," Luke pauses, taking in a deep breath,

"I said I wouldn't cry. But that's how I fucking knew. I have known I was in love with him for years, _years._ God, Ashton, you don't get it do you. I fucking love you." Luke cries, pressing his lips against Ashton's. They're warm and soft, but they're not moving. Luke pulls away, teary eyed. 

Ashton's mouth is hanging open slightly and his eyes are filled with guilt, as the words that broke Luke left his lips.

_"Luke, I can't lie to you._

_I love you,_

_but not in that way."_

It was the most painful thing Luke has ever experienced in his entire life, and he cried.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> the song is not in that way by sam smith
> 
> fuck this is so sad i loveluke


End file.
